it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
