on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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