you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
