there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
