I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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