i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
