Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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