I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
