I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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