Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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