She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
