i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
