I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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