Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
