i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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