So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
