then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
