My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
