its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
