he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
