Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
