3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I hope mine doesn't look like that
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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