I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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