omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
