Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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