Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
