I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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