Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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