there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Congratulations! We have a period
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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