Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
