You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
