just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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