You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
