Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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