I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
