I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
