I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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