And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
