Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
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