so explain again why im purple
no
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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