Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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