My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
