I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
