thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
