I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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