I can tuck mytits in my pants
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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