I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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