im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Green mimosas i think yes
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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