i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
