just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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